Theory: Why More People Don't Wear Bow Ties to Church

Theory: Why More People Don’t Wear Bow Ties to Church

I don’t see many bow ties at church, and this has bothered me.  Why don’t more men wear them?  So, when I heard about how C.D. Hermelin, the Roving Typist, writes unique stories using his typewriter for anyone who pays him a modest fee, I decided that this is a job for him.  A few weeks after I commissioned him to write a story about this topic, I got the story.


Roving Typist on Bow Ties at ChurchBowties

Paul tied his gray and blue bowtie [sic] around his neck and marveled at the finished look in the mirror. So unique! So chic! The tie perfectly matched his slate-colored eyes. At this season’s General Assembly, Paul was finally going to wow the church, earn his father’s respect, and catch Susie Billow’s eye.

As the event commenced, Paul watched the dust motes cavort in the refracted light of the sun. The tie felt tight, he kept adjusting his collar to facillitate [sic] ventilation. “Nice tie,” folks kept saying as people mingled. Paul smiled.

When it came time for Paul to speak about the power of the Holy Spirit, he was nervous. He prayed for strength, and courage, and took his spot at the front of the congregation.

The microphone on stage was overly warm, and the lights were doubly hot, but the bowtie was impossible to loosen without typing the whole thing. After my speech, Paul thought, I’m heading to the bathroom to retire this thing.

While he spoke, the bowtie seemed to grow tighter, as though his skin were expanding. He felt short of breath and every word that came out was belabored and raspy. He paused, closed his eyes, and feel over, choking.

“The Holy Ghost!” someone shouted. Paul struggled to say anything, his plea for help too quiet for folks to hear over, choking.

Paul prayed to be saved (which he was, shortly after blacking out). Then he vowed to fight bowties forever.